I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
This kid will have a bright future.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.