STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Thank you corporation very cool
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
This is a whole mood;
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.