Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
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i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago