Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.