There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
You Might Also Like
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*