i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I wish I could veto my bills.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this