[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking