I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead