I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[the middle of showering] I need a break