Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
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A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.