i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.