The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
それは草
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Britain be like
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
The hardest thing Vision has to do
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.