i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
You Might Also Like
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I think they could have phrased this better
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Worst perfume name ever.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?