[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?