THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
You Might Also Like
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Love is always patient and kind.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.