How animals would run if they were human
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Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Worth the read.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well