My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
every college guy’s fridge
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho