[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue