Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
You Might Also Like
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I wish this was real life…
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.