I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Same post same
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.