PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
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[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.