Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
You Might Also Like
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
How high do the levels go?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
😎 🍻
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out