When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
You Might Also Like
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …