Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
You Might Also Like
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.