Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
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This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
fr
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*