Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped