me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.