“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”