“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
rapatouille
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I love wikipedia
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.