My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
This is so me 😂😂
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*