*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
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My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Snapes on a plane.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.