Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes