[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
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Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*