Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
You Might Also Like
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.