I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”