[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
You Might Also Like
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.