Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home