If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Me recordaron éste meme
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.