Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”