I think this cat is broken
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Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
crochet youtube is brutal
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice