NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.