Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
my retirement plan is braless
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey