Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔