*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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What if all the cashiers are married?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.