Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.