Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
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My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal