I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
hmmm
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair