Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
LOL
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.