[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
That eye roll….
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
this is what they would have looked like, though
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.