Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
mood
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.